User:	deadbunny777
	Date:	2009-11-22 02:58
	Subject:	gunshots.
	Security:	Public

I've been involved in incidents involving weapons, guns included. I have never seen anything like this before.

Tonite was my name night at Pour House. We had a great time all night long. Dancing, free booze, surprise Alaina sightings, as well as PS Officers LaFountaine and Kenney, it was just lovely. Until the bar closed at 2. Because we filed out, as per usual, and I saw two guys fighting. Then I saw one of them pull out a gun, I heard three shots.

One missed.
One hit the other person who was fighting.
One hit the girl standing next to me.

And PS saved our lives.

I'm freaking out. I don't know how to make sense of all this. I don't know what to do. I wish, god I wish, that I knew anything. I wish I had gotten a better look at the guy with the gun.

As soon as I realized what was happening, I ran back inside with Christina, but we didn't know where Christian or Alex were. I was so scared. LaFountaine saw us and got us far away and in a cab so fast. Thank goodness. PS saved our lives tonite.

Now what?




I hope that girl is okay. The last I saw of her were her feet, as someone was dragging her away. I hope the other guy is okay. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I never thought I would be involved in this.

Now what?

	User:	deadbunny777
	Date:	2009-11-20 16:01
	Subject:
	Security:	Public

Also, did a little revamping around here. It's been ages since I've change this place around. Hope you enjoy!

	User:	deadbunny777
	Date:	2009-11-20 15:44
	Subject:	Pour House
	Security:	Public

Tomorrow night is finally my name night at the Pour House in Hartford. This means that after 8pm I get to drink for free, just for being named Erica. I asked them if I could bring Alyssa as my DD because she's only 3 days shy of 21. They said they can't let her in, unfortunately (which is totally fine, I didn't expect them to say yes but I figured it was worth asking), but they will pay for my cab home.

Best customer service ever.

	User:	halliwell
	Date:	2009-11-20 20:55
	Subject:	Words flying
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	relieved
	Music:	Laura Pausini - Non Sono Lei

And after telling the whole complete truth, everything's better.

	User:	halliwell
	Date:	2009-11-20 05:51
	Subject:	Conversation
	Security:	Public

Last night Ryan came up with another of his 500 plans so far: enrolling in a language course here for a year, so that we could see how it goes between us, and then decide what to do. Needless to say, I knew this was coming. Just two days before he had come up with the plan of applying for his Erasmus year here.

Well, I'd like to have him here of course, but I wouldn't like him to give up all his dreams to follow me. He had this dream of graduating in France and learning French to an excellent level (since he's graduating in French studies) and I thought what we came up to two months ago, i.e. he studying in Grenoble, was a very good compromise: he could still be in France and, as Grenoble being only two hours by car from Turin, we could see each other almost every weekend. I liked when we were down to that: he would still keep living to achieve the things he wanted to achieve, while we could still be together and meet on a more frequent, regular basis.

But no, he can't be satisfied with that. No plan lasts more than a week in his mind. And, to be honest, I have enough.

Not that it affects me directly, it's his life and I want him to do what he wants to do. The problem comes when he wants to do what he thinks I want him to do, which is something I loathe in a boyfriend. Just be your own man, for god's sake!

Last night I asked him what was of his dreams, and he said he's thinking that it's a matter of compromising because what if I get tired of going to Grenoble in the weekend? What if I get tired of his instability? - its life is becoming more and more about me, he just has so much time in his hands that I can't even think about what roundabouts he's doing in his head. And last night it sounded like he was trying to convince me that he's not abandoning anything, he's just making his choices.

I went to sleep last night thinking about this and I woke up after a nightmare an hour ago - but can I say I feel better after last night conversation?
For some odd reason, I feel reassured - not so much by his words as by his calm stubbornness. What I tried to do last night was to make him react, but instead he kept always calm, sticking to his position and trying to get his point across.

In the end it would be great to have him here. I don't know why I'm so afraid of losing my living space.

	User:	halliwell
	Date:	2009-11-15 12:46
	Subject:	Back to normalcy
	Security:	Public

Leaving aside the normalcy/normality linguistic dispute, I chose normalcy because I liked more the sound of it :P

Anyway, now that I have freed myself from working two jobs, I plan to:

- sleep more
- rest more
- enjoy my flat
- hang out more with people
- maybe even shop a little
- resume gym

Specifically, although this is more long-term, I plan to:

- enter politics at a local level
- start some kind of business of my own (although I haven't exactly decided what yet)
- read, read, read all that I haven't read in this year
- make a plan to have my blog moved on google first page organic search
- eat better, more natural, organic food - and dedicate more time to it
- resume my Wicca studies, lifestyle and habits, among which learn scrying with tarots that I left on hold in 2003
- find a tennis buddy at my level with whom to play on a regular basis

I have myself two big promises this year, that I would never work underpaid and that I would never work as much as I have this year. These two promises feel very serious, like the one I made myself in London in 2003 never again to be broke and suffer hunger. I intend to stick to these as thoroughly as I have done for the 2003 one.

Update: I forgot the runes! I want to start studying them and runecasting, too!

	User:	deadbunny777
	Date:	2009-11-15 04:53
	Subject:	New hairs
	Security:	Public

New Hairs. It's much louder in person than it is in this picture.

	User:	deadbunny777
	Date:	2009-11-14 13:32
	Subject:	day 4.
	Security:	Public

Day three was a success. Now I'm staring day 4 directly in the face.

	User:	halliwell
	Date:	2009-11-13 21:09
	Subject:	A free man
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	peaceful

Tonight's my last shift at the Lingotto campus.
I find it quite hard to believe at the moment...
I've been working here for one year and three months.

I resigned on October 1st when I knew I had got the place in Bolaffi, but I had a very long notice period (45 days) so tonight will be my last shift, until tomorrow morning.

I can't believe that after a year of working 60 hours a week I'm going to finally have a normal life: one job, one good salary, and free time.

Yet... I'm sort of sad to leave this place. This was my first job after the year in Copenhagen, and I've always felt at home here. I still remember how I got it: I found a job ad looking for people willing to work night time, and back then I already knew that I would have to do some unpaid internship and I'd need another part time job to cover my expenses - a part time at night would suit every need. When they called me to tell me I got the job, I was lying on the beach in Ventimiglia, where I had reached my mother and sister to spend three days in the little flat they had rented for two weeks to spend their holidays. I remember I took the news that I got the job with very carelessly, like it was granted that I'd get the job. "Excellent" I said, with no enthusiasm in my voice whatsoever. Lol. It was July 30th when I did the interview and I was communicated the result 15 days later.

But despite knowing that this wouldn't be the job of my life, I liked it here. I liked having to do with students which I grew to love and be friend with (I still call them "my guys"). I would have liked to spend more time with them and be allowed to speak my mind to them, but the circle of my bosses here is part of a catholic sect and I was afraid my being gay could be a problem to them. For this reason, I've never told any of the students that I'm gay, and never even accepted their friendship request on Facebook. I wanted to many times, but then again a part of me would always say "you never know, this is work and not your personal life. You might argue with someone and they justo to get back at you could tell of your homosexuality to your bosses, and this could cause problems which you'd better avoid".

Anyway, I will have only good memories of this place and I'm glad I got to work here. I'm glad I got to know Riccardo, who is definitely gonna get the 2009 best breakthrough acquaintance award, and I got on well with everyone. The job itself is pretty boring, but basically you're paid to have time to do your business. While working here, I've made it to one year of being a pretty good master of my online strategy game. If I had to state the percentage of hours that I actually spent working during these 15 months, I'd say a rough 30%. Not bad.

So well, it will be a big change. I'm not used anymore to have much free time. I wonder if it'll be hard to adjust. I'll have more time to rest, to sleep, to enjoy my new flat, to hang out with friends, to enjoy being on my own. And much, much less stress.

I'm a free man.

	User:	deadbunny777
	Date:	2009-11-12 22:12
	Subject:	Recovery
	Security:	Public

In case you have missed it in previous entries, I have a fairly severe case of trichotillomania. I have had it since I was 8 years old. It is awful. I never, ever talk about it. It's the reason I never go to the hair dresser and the reason I like to have my head covered. Most people who have this disorder are embarrassed and unwilling to get help. I'm one of those people. How do you explain to the doctor that you pull out your hair on a daily basis and can't stop? How do I explain to my mother that I can't control my own hands? Well, for me, I didn't. And I don't ever plan to.

But I have been coming to terms with this for the past few years. Beginning to accept it as part of my life right now, but not as a fixture. 13 years is more than half of my life. More than half of my life that I have spent hiding a dirty secret from my friends and family. It gets mentioned here every once in a while, but that's about it. I've done countless hours of research throughout my teenage years and to now and have come up empty handed with a quick-fix solution. There are no pills that 'fix' this because not only to many medical professionals not even consider it an illness, many of the ones who do consider it a mental illness. That's not what it is and that's not how I want to be treated by doctors.

So as of Tuesday night, I have decided to take this into my own hands (no pun intended). I have decided that enough is enough and it's time for this to end. It's time for me to start living my life without having to worry about what to do with my hair or how to cover the patchy spots, without the anxiety of going out in public or dressing up and wondering what other people are thinking or saying. It's time to stop crying and allowing the feeling of failure and weakness to sink in. I am tired of covering up.

It's not going to be easy. But here and now, I am 2 days pull-free. Yeah, it's not a whole lot, but you know what, it's the longest I've gone since I was 8 years old. And every recovery has to start somewhere. So this is the beginning of my recovery. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

	User:	halliwell
	Date:	2009-11-10 22:14
	Subject:	Unspecial
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	relieved

In the end I finally talked to Ryan about my doubts.

[Which I realised I never wrote here]

Well lately he's been way too involved in our relationship [yes, prepare to read some real weirdness]. Obsessed. All over the place. On my work e-mail, on my personal e-mail, on the phone, on msn, on facebook, talking to my sister, to my friends... argh!! And totally worship-like mode, paying me every kind of compliment all the time, even making up compliments even when there was no need for one. Completely forgot about his life.

Things got worse when he micro-fractured his toe and was confined to bed (and still is). Which happened before he had to come here and he was so looking forward to this trip that he got to cry for days and saying things like "you're all I have", "you're all I want" - namely, all the things that put me off. Completely off.

This week I'm working at our production factory: it's a tradition in the company that every new employee spend a week there, and so it's now my turn. So far I got to wrap stamp collections 600 times, put three kinds of flyer together for 1500, build up 900 packages and alienating stuff like that. Which is good because it's absolutely mind-liberating: my mind, usually so busy concentrating on everything, now can run off free and wild while my body repeats automatically the same gesture a hundred times.

Well yesterday I had in fact a lot of time to think about this growing feeling of annoyance Ryan got me into lately. I had talked to Davide about it the previous week, and he had said that I do the same with my sister. So i tried to figure out what Ryan and my sister could have in common because, and he was right, the annoyance I feel is the same towards both [yey -.-]. And well, what they have in common is that they love me for who I am. Unconditionally. They don't ask for anything from me. They would stick up for me no matter what.

Whereas I have often fought to have love. I have to show that I deserve love to get some. That's the kind of love I've learned. Love is for what one does, not for who one is. As in the bonsai tale.
What happens when someone loves me unconditionally then? I despise him/her. Because I take it for weakness, for being pathetic, for naivete.

Having kind of figured out 1) that I have this issue 2) that Ryan isn't responsible for this and 3) that I don't want to get out of the relationship, made me all of a sudden realise that I could ask for help from Ryan himself: I decided to say all this to him.

And I did. I took it really from far away, explaining him that I'm in therapy, about my childhood, and about this issue. I told him I felt he was obsessed, I told him that put me off, I assured him I didn't want out and that was the reason I was telling him all this, because I screwed up many times in the past for the same thing and I knew that if I didn't say anything I would give it all up in a month time. While I work on the issue on the inside, I need some help on the outside.

He was so understanding. He had realised he might be kind of obsessive and he said he wants to curb it from now on. When he asked what he could do about my issue, I told him plainly: "I need to feel not special for a while". So no compliments, no talk of any more visits (we have already a few planned but he wanted to plan some more), no calls. Of course I said I am sorry - I know, rationally, that what he's giving me is precious, but I'm not capable of fully appreciate it now. Sorry for being a total bitch.

Not that it's my fault and neither is his.
Shit happens.
But, since we're on the same side, we try to make it work despite the shit.

In the end he said he was glad I said something. He could feel something wasn't all right. And then we got to talk about other stuff happening in his life.

And well, just saying it out loud to him helped. I was already feeling better last night, and today this good feeling remained. I sense I made the right decision.

Oh and today we hit the 3 month landmark.
[Well actually yesterday, but he keeps on saying it's the 10th not the 9th. He's right 'cause we met after midnight, but to me it's always the same date until I wake up in the morning, so be it 9th - so we have a double anniversary day, which is quite nice right?]

	User:	deadbunny777
	Date:	2009-11-10 11:31
	Subject:	ugh.
	Security:	Public

Sometimes I want to blow this place to bits.

Not really. I'm just incredibly frustrated right now. I still haven't been reimbursed for the $300 I spent out of pocket to pay the bands at the 10.17 show. I requested the money 2 weeks before the event. So I've been waiting for THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS for a month now. I just don't understand what the problem is.

I went to HR just now to find out. They said I had to fill out an I9 in order to receive payroll. I'm not on payroll. I don't want a paycheck. I want an expense check. This is nonsense. I hate making things difficult for people because I know how much it sucks to have to deal with a disgruntled customer, but for fucks sake just cut me the damn check!